I no longer blog here.  You can now find me at

www.erikaskreation.com

See you there!

        

I am finally beginning to become comfortable with motherhood. After five years and three kids, perhaps this should have happened sooner, but I think I was always too busy wishing things were different—that I had more money, less debt, more love, less anger, more this, less of that. With that perspective you become consumed with what you lack instead of working with what you have. I fumbled along trying to figure out what I wanted and didn't want for my kids, trying out a million things but mastering nothing, then getting frustrated because I couldn't be like the wonderful moms who could knit, sew, bake, do crafty things with their kids, cook and clean, and somehow manage to be sane through it all. But I'm finally done trying to be like others and what do you know, but it's opened up worlds of possbilities within my life. I have a much better grasp on what I want and how I want to do it, and seeing things coming together, even if very slowly, is exciting.

I suppose you could say everything comes down to choices. You become the mother you are by the choices you make. Granted, hard times fall on everyone, difficulties arise, and life is never fair. But it really is what you make of it. You can sit around in self-pity and bitterness over how you were raised—yes, I've done this—or you can pick yourself up, move on, and do things differently. If you want different things for yourself and for your children, then you have to make different choices. Yes it's hard, hellishly difficult in fact, especially if you endured trauma in childhood. But there has to, there just has to come a point, where you muster up every bit of strength inside of you, and choose to do things differently. Do not think you can never change. Do not think the life you want for you and your children is impossible. You can do anything. You really can. Motherhood is a journey, so you will have bumps in the road along the way, heck you may even hit a tree, but don't let that stop you from getting right back on the path. Fight for what you want. Determine in your mind that you are going to reach even your highest of goals. And then, do it.





P.S. Mom, if you're reading this, I love you. I know you did the best you knew how, and there were alot of things you did differently because you didn't want us to endure what you did. Thank you. And I can't wait until you move in so you can fix my sewing machine and teach me how to sew, among other things of course. It'll be like our second chance. I promise I won't scream at you, stomp my feet, slam my bedroom door, and tell you "I hate  you!" 

        

my mother-in-law picked us up and took us to the beach today. it was wonderful. i've always lived close to the coast, so the water brings me comfort, although i have a little of my mom's fear in me. but as odd as it might sound, i enjoy the sand sticking to my body, the salt water taste in my mouth, and the feeling of my skin slightly toasting in the sun. 

i have fond memories of my sister & i jumping over waves,—yes, we could jump that high or so we thought!--scaring my mom by going out to far, and burying each other in the sand. going today reminded me of it all. my children and i sat digging in the sand, and it felt like we were outside of time. i love those moments when you are living so much in the moment that you forget that it is even a moment, when you don't even contemplate time or yourself even, you just are. i think children always live like that. we sat there, and we scooped and poured and molded and formed, but we didn't create anything, except for a peaceful memory of enjoying each other's presence.

i didn't take the camera because i tend to live behind the camera when i bring it, and it's hard to do that, care for three fearless young children under the age of six, and spend quality time with them. i'm actually glad i left it. since my mother-in-law was there, i was able to take my oldest out further into the water. she climbed on my back, and we jumped the waves together. a few times, i got a bit fearful because the water was almost to my neck, the waves were higher than usual, and we almost went under, but i decided to be courageous and have fun. before i even realized it, we were both screaming like we were mad, jumping the waves, and laughing like crazy hyenas. it's these moments i want to remember in the future and especially these moments i want to live in the present.

        

this morning i was feeling off rhythm. i find it difficult to get back into the swing of home life after working four days a week. tuesdays are always hard, i need to remember. i honestly didn't think i'd miss the kids as much as i do. i am thankful that sometimes when it's hectic and crazy, i get to just walk out and go, but it's also difficult if shay & i are at odds, and i don't have time to fix things right then and there because i have to leave to work.

this week i've been realizing things about myself. i've come to admit for the bazillionth time that i don't like it when i'm not in control. and i don't mean i have to be running everybody's lives, but i find it hard to handle when relationships are off-kilter. i always want things to be made right, for people to feel better, for healing to take place. i'm sure that's why i got my degree in social work, why i always want to fix things when my kids are sad & when my husband and i aren't getting along, why i still want to write my college boyfriend a letter to apologize after such a strange break up, and why i've prayed for my parents to get remarried after getting divorced twice (and yes, i'm crazy, just like when i was twelve, i still pray for this). i'm sure that you can see why being like this is both a blessing and a curse.

i hope you are realizing things about yourself this week too. things that will heal you and free you. and of course i hope you are simply enjoying life to the fullest and savoring the seemingly unimportant moments. these are the moments i've been savoring this week.



my youngest two napping together.



my husband giving our son a haircut.



princess photos taken while i'm at work.


       
asher playing in the water and spilling it,


dumping it on the floor,


and loving every minute of it.

        

i am thirty today. not fishing for a "happy birthday," but of course it's always nice to hear. funny thing, i actually forgot it was my birthday until i received a text from my sister. and i promise i do not typically forget about myself. i can be rather obsessed actually. it's just been a long weekend. very long and exhausting. i had fun the first part, a little too much, nah, that's not possible. let's just say i forgot about everything else in my life and indulged myself. it was a blast!

i spent the next day recovering. our family also had a major disappointment that day, not something altogether unexpected but sad nonetheless. it's a type of loss i suppose, not the same as death, but still exceptionally painful. we are dealing with loss in so many other ways too, and it all just puts me in this state of melancholy. i miss when life was easier, but i think it's just wishful thinking because i don't think there's ever been a period in my family's life when life was "easier." i am not sulking, oh perhaps just a little, but life has always been hard. filled with horrible pain from betrayal, separation, divorce, all forms of abuse, mental illness, and the like. if this is my family, surely this is others' too. i just hope and pray our generation chooses to do things differently. i just pray we hold on to hope and reach for the light and never stop chasing it. because i know, i just know with my whole heart, that one day, we will be able to grab hold of it, and i am almost certain we will never let it go.

        

saturday i started a part time job at a department store down the street. it was very surreal. i haven't worked outside the home in over five years. i don't think i was prepared for the transition. i'm not used to sitting down for any longer than, oh, say two minutes at a time if the kids are awake so getting through the four hour orientation was grueling. i was laughing at myself because when it came time to take the quiz, i was reading questions and asking was this in the video? thankfully i didn't have to worry because it was a shout-the-answer-out-loud quiz. needless to say, i wasn't shouting any answers. but hey, i'll just chalk it up to being at home, multi-tasking, and never having the opportunity to focus on any one thing for longer than two minutes, or is it seconds?

aside from my inability to sit down and process information from a tv screen, i was just about in tears on the way home. i think it finally hit me that i would be working outside of my home. i felt sort of ridiculous for my feelings, thinking, come on, erika, this is what people do. they work for a living. it's how you survive. but my feelings had nothing to do with that and everything to do with the fact that my kids are 5, 3, and 1 and i have only known staying at home with them for their entire little lives. my husband said they would be fine because come on, they are in his care, the next best thing to mommy, but it's not them i was worried about.

when i found out my next shift was monday, for 8 1/2 hours, i just about lost it. my little asher is still nursing, and i thought for sure i would be at work, engorged (that's when your boobs are full of milk and very uncomfortable for you childless ones out there), leaking milk, and sobbing while trying to help a customer. of course, i got through it, and it wasn't until the next day when i stayed home that i started leaking, go figure.

and when i got home, i expected my kids to greet me with shouting voices, "mommy! mommy! mommy!" but the girls only smiled, said "hi mommy," and went on their merry way. and my little asher? he just took one look at me, crawled into my lap, said "nu, nu" (toddler talk for nurse, nurse), suckled for a long while, then ditched me for his toy. thanks bud. it's a bit unnerving to learn your kids can survive without you. you think because you birthed these beings into existence, they're dependent on your body for survival, and you selflessly give and care for them everyday, that they just can't make it through the day without you, or at least they shouldn't be able to damn it! 


in all of this, i've learned three, no, four, no five things—

1. my kids need me but not as desperately as i thought, and that's okay.
2. my husband can survive with the kids all day & the kids can survive with him.
(although they had fried chicken, sno cones, and god knows what else, but we'll pretend i don't know that)
3. staying at home with my kids is a gift to be cherished.
4. it's actually the best gift ever, and i wouldn't trade it in for the world.
5.  and yes, you can work outside the home and still consider yourself a stay at home mom.

        

it's the end of the week, but it always feels like the beginning of mine. shay is off for the weekend, i can actually travel further than the one mile radius of my neighborhood, and the air just smells sweeter. i love staying home with my children, but it's different when "staying home" literally means staying home and nothing else.

but i have to say we have had a good week. i'm convinced kids only want two things from you—your love & your time. but really the second is just a natural outpouring of the first. i've been thinking about quality time compared with quantity, and i really think they want both. of course if you absolutely can't give them quantity, then quality is just perfect, but if you can afford to spend significant periods of time with your children, talking to them, enjoying their presence, getting to know them like you would with anybody you are in love with, then i think you'll be surprised, pleasantly of course.

this week i noticed the simple things. the patter of asher's feet as he ran from me when i needed to change his diaper. the way elli's top lip pointedly graces her teeth when she smiles. and i was especially satisfied with the dialogue i had with my oldest daughter, cristiana. she's five.


cristiana: mommy, guess my favorite place.

me: disneyland! 

cristiana: no.

me: the zoo!

cristiana: no.

me: chuck e. cheese?

cristiana: no.

me: the park?

cristiana: no.

me: the beach?

cristiana: no.

me: well then, i don't know cristiana. where is your favorite place?

cristiana: pauses, thinks for a second...home.


i read in the paper today about a woman in new mexico who murdered her three your old son. as soon as i read the headline, i gasped (likely what you just did) and got pist off at yet another child murdered at the hands of the one who should be his fiercest protector. but you want to know what made the officer on scene cry and caused my own downpour? she said she didn't want him to have to live a life where nobody cared about him just like she had lived a life where nobody cared about her.

my heart sank.

perhaps she was loved and this was an excuse, but perhaps she really never felt loved or cared for. no, i do not think this excuses her actions, but consider this young woman's aching heart for a moment. a twenty one year old young lady suffocated her son while he was sleeping because she felt unloved and didn't want him to experience the same fate. oh that she would have just loved him instead!! but this extreme, this horrific murder, should tell us how important it is to be loved. and these are the kinds of stories we are seeing everywhere. i often hear people say, "i don't watch the news because i don't like to see all the negativity." and yes, while shocking things certainly do sell, i've decided i don't want to be ignorant and pretend the negativity doesn't exist. i want to do what i can to change it. we are at a point where people are refusing their misery. perhaps they are severely emotionally disturbed and misguided and handling things in the most horrendous of ways, but i have to say that maybe these stories will give us wake up calls and reminders of what truly matters.

it is not the latest fashion trends, fad diets, or mud masks. it's not even where our kids go to school or where we work. what truly matters are people. people. people. people. i can't say it enough. so no matter where you are in life, suffering the most wretched of fates or beaming on top of the highest mountain, do not forget those closest to you, those dearest to your heart. there is no greater tragedy than to have lived a full life and failed to have loved. and there's nothing more fulfilling than choosing to pour out your heart and your life in love for another. and that, my friends, is home.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



goal updates from last friday—

no shopping for therapy this week, woohoo! it feels so good to stop doing such a stupid thing! & i gave to a local momma in need instead of a charity. she's a single mom, not by choice, and she is going from being a stay at home mom for several years, supported by her husband, to one who has had to find a job, a new place to live, and is starting new with almost nothing. and she's facing a custody battle on top of it all. i know she'd appreciate your prayers. & i'd like to say i'm thankful for our local mamas group, Peaceful Beginnings, who is always eager to contribute to those in need. i really think every mama should have access to a group as wonderful!

happy friday everyone!! enjoy your weekend. leave this week behind and start NEW! and remember to love one another. 

        

last friday i discussed my desire to think more globally, to stop accumulating unnecessary stuff, and to set goals for myself to provide for those in need. i've decided to give a weekly update on my goals, add new goals when i feel the need arise, and to do a featured blog every friday, highlighting an important charity. i think this will help as many of us want to give but don't know where to start.

my goals last week were...
1. I will not use shopping as therapy.
2. Whenever I buy something I don't need, I will give equally as much to someone in need.
3. I will give x dollars to someone in need every week, either by way of charity or directly.

please see last week's blog to get a better understanding of these goals.

my results...
1. i am happy to say I did not use shopping as therapy this week, at least not in the traditional way. on wednesday, as usual, i was feeling depressed and wanting to get out of the house, so i couldn't wait for shay to get home so i could leave. i went to the store, but i actually had a reason to be there, unlike previous times when i went with no reason, except to supposedly look around and then leave with stuff i convinced myself i needed. i got the things i needed, lingered around because i needed more time to myself, but didn't buy anything extra. i went to the store being more intentional about my purpose there and reminding myself that my emotions will not be fulfilled by buying something. my emotions were fulfilled because i was able to get out of the house and have time to myself, and i was able to disconnect this from the shopping experience.

2. since i didn't buy something i didn't need this week, number two was fulfilled.

3. i failed at number three because i remembered thursday but then decided instead of giving two different times, i'll just give one time to the same charity but double up the amount this week to make up for last week.

as for charities this week, i would like to highlight some that are helping out in the slums of India. i debated watching Slumdog Millionaire because i wasn't sure i wanted to support a film that left its childhood actors in the same impoverished conditions. i suppose i just felt like if they really cared, they would show it by their actions in at least helping the main actors in the film. i ended up watching it because my husband rented it in our overnight stay at a downtown hotel. i suppose i understand the difficulty the producers are in, wanting to help the actors, but not wanting their parents to take advantage of them, so they set up a trust for them they can access once they graduate high school. and despite my thoughts about their actions, the reality is the movie did bring international attention to the conditions of the slum dwellers, and hopefully, that will ignite change. the pressing reality, though, is they need help now too. i read this in the middle of the night. so i did some research and i found a few organizations that are directly impacting those in the slums. i wish i could find one that directly impacted these actors. i would be all over helping them.

anyway, here are the organizations—

Asha
SPARC India
World Vision
GFA

i plan to choose one of these organizations to give to this week. personally, i love to give to organizations that are locals helping locals, although i am definitely not opposed to others. and as a christian, i will not give to an organization that wants to "spread the gospel of jesus" but is unwilling to meet the needs of the people or who will only help if people attend required church services and what not. jesus' love was unconditional. he taught people and he fed them. he forgave people, and he healed them. he always met the physical needs of the people with the spiritual. he never gave food for the soul without giving food for the belly. i do not think it is loving to do otherwise. with that said, i will not feature any organization that is unwilling to meet the physical needs of the people. i know what my life is like when my physical needs are lacking even for a few hours. it affects everything. physical needs are desperately important. spiritual ones are too. but i think they go hand in hand.

please let me know your thoughts and if you have any organization you would like me to feature, and i'll take that into consideration. thanks for reading & happy friday!

        

what matters most in my life.

it's been a chaotic week—preparing to move, showing the house to sell it, keeping it clean to show it, screaming at the kids when it gets too messy, looking for a place to live, searching for new jobs, and the list goes on. i just don't want to forget that life is about, well, people. and that i am a mother, and motherhood is about, well, mothering. and in my case, mothering little people.

after being inspired by this amazing mama, this one & this one we took a long walk together and we painted.









here are a few of the finished pieces that most reflect each child's personality.


cristiana, the careful, steady, slow moving one painted a delicate rose.





elli painted a wall (she wishes she could paint the ones in our house), and gets very involved in her paintings, almost always ripping a hole in the paper.





asher, being the animated toddler he is, painted bright primaries in a whimsical fashion. needless to say, he finished the quickest.




there's just something about painting that makes you slow down,
savor the moment,
and remember.

        

.30.

Three stands for that which is solid, real, complete, whole, and it denotes divine perfection. Thirty is three, ten times, denoting in a higher degree the perfection of the divine order. At least that's what I read here. No, I don't believe everything I read, and I'm not a  numerologist, though I do find it a wee bit fascinating. But neither do I think numbers are completely random and useless, although I have to admit I'm not a fan of complex mathematics. I suppose I should've just stated I have a fascination with thirty this year, and it only mildly has to do with the fact that I'll be thirty in exactly three weeks from today. Yes, three weeks, you see, there's that number again. And yes, it really does have everything to do with that.

When I was a kid, I thought thirty was old, ahem, yes, very old in fact. But now that I'm almost thirty, of course I see things differently. Not just because it's the new twenty, although I have that to my advantage, but because this year I finally feel like I am coming back into my skin again, into who I was created to be. When I was a teen, I was a depressed, co-dependent, fumbling mess in many ways, but I also think I had alot of things right. I was an idealist, a dreamer, someone who believed that my life could change and that one person actually could make a difference and ignite change in the world. However, I became a Christian in college, and slowly, that person left. Do you not find that the least bit crazy?? Okay, maybe you don't. If you're not a Christian (and perhaps even if you are), you may think Christians are lame and boring or maybe you associate other words with us like exclusivist, elitist, self-rightous...do I really have to go on? Perhaps some of your judgments are misguided, perhaps, and sadly, some of them right. But for the past three years—that number again!--I have rediscovered Jesus and my faith. Rediscovered. That word scares people, especially people who don't think things should change.

Nonetheless, I have come to see him in a whole new light, but the thing is, I don't think it's new to the Christian faith, though perhaps new to my perception of it. I mean, how does one become a follower of Jesus, but lose her hope for change, lose her youthful idealism, lose who she was, which I think is really who she is supposed to be?! If you have read any of the New Testament gospels of Jesus, and especially if you read them knowing the historical context in which Jesus lived, you see that he inspired hope, inspired change, was never happy with the status quo, turned typical thinking of the day upside down, and either amazed people or sent them into a rage of fury. 

I got to the point where I was sending people into rages of fury, not because I was being like Jesus, but because I was being a jerk though claiming to be like him, but really I was fearful of not having little clones of me. I was on a quest to evangelize the world, to make everybody think and act like me, that is. If you were in my club of clones, we would talk about everyone else as if they were outsiders. It was us vs. them. I claimed my quest was to think like Jesus, to act like him, and to become his follower, and though that's what my heart really desired, I believe I was very misguided. I thought I questioned things and thought for myself and educated myself, but I really only questioned those things that disagreed with me, thought about all the reasons why I was right, and educated myself more on why what I had already concluded was truth.  It came to be that anybody who did not believe exactly, and I mean exactly, how I believed, scared me. I said it was because I feared they would go to hell and convinced myself of this, but maybe it was because I believed anything that deviated from what my church said, was not the truth, and therefore, if it wasn't the truth, my faith wasn't legitimate, and maybe it was me who was wrong and was going to hell. 

Maybe I'm not supposed to be saying these things, to be letting people in on these "secrets" of those with faith—and of course let me clarify that not all think like this—but I am just to the point where I don't give a damn. Yes, you read that right. I am done, very done, with keeping secrets, with the us vs. them mentality, with exclusion, with self-righteousness and piety, with thinking I have to be the one to protect truth as if God isn't capable himself. And besides, who the hell do I think I am anyway, thinking that I somehow have all the answers to the questions of the universe? I am a Christian, yes, and to me that means nothing other than a follower of Jesus. I think you can learn how to follow him by reading the ancient text called the Bible, and yes, call me crazy I really don't care, but I believe it's inerrant, the word of god, whatever you want to call it, but I no longer pretend to have all the answers, to act as if I have unlocked all the mysteries of the world. So wow, yeah, I guess I'm done pretending to be God.

And the great thing about all of this is I have this burden lifted. I don't have to protect the faith. I don't have to ostracize those who don't believe as I do. I don't have to "save" people. I actually know what Jesus meant when he said his yoke is easy and his burden is light. All I have to do is love people and yearn for their freedom like Jesus loves me and has always yearned for mine. Do I believe in truth? Oh but of course. But it's not always so black and white. All I see is what's on the outside. I don't know your heart, unless you share it with me, and even then, I don't see it all. There are places you probably don't even see. But God, well, he sees it all, and that is not something to be feared. Unless of course you're one of those people Jesus was always getting mad at, but then I suppose you think everything I'm writing is a crock anyway.  

But yes, back to my point. I am three weeks away from being thirty, and this year, I am finally coming back into my own skin. Changes are taking place, and I am no longer afraid. I am much more confident about who I am, and I have an idea of who I want to become, though I know my destination will constantly change, and that in and of it self, excites me. And what makes me the happiest is that I am dreaming again. (If you are doing anything in your life that has caused you to stop  dreaming, I'd say you should probably run as far away from it as you can.) I have regained my youthful idealism. I believe one person can make a difference, and yes, I still want to change the world. Oh and I forgot to mention, as of today, I've lost thirty pounds this year—and you know I'm going to say it, there's that number again.

.30.