saturday i started a part time job at a department store down the street. it was very surreal. i haven't worked outside the home in over five years. i don't think i was prepared for the transition. i'm not used to sitting down for any longer than, oh, say two minutes at a time if the kids are awake so getting through the four hour orientation was grueling. i was laughing at myself because when it came time to take the quiz, i was reading questions and asking was this in the video? thankfully i didn't have to worry because it was a shout-the-answer-out-loud quiz. needless to say, i wasn't shouting any answers. but hey, i'll just chalk it up to being at home, multi-tasking, and never having the opportunity to focus on any one thing for longer than two minutes, or is it seconds?

aside from my inability to sit down and process information from a tv screen, i was just about in tears on the way home. i think it finally hit me that i would be working outside of my home. i felt sort of ridiculous for my feelings, thinking, come on, erika, this is what people do. they work for a living. it's how you survive. but my feelings had nothing to do with that and everything to do with the fact that my kids are 5, 3, and 1 and i have only known staying at home with them for their entire little lives. my husband said they would be fine because come on, they are in his care, the next best thing to mommy, but it's not them i was worried about.

when i found out my next shift was monday, for 8 1/2 hours, i just about lost it. my little asher is still nursing, and i thought for sure i would be at work, engorged (that's when your boobs are full of milk and very uncomfortable for you childless ones out there), leaking milk, and sobbing while trying to help a customer. of course, i got through it, and it wasn't until the next day when i stayed home that i started leaking, go figure.

and when i got home, i expected my kids to greet me with shouting voices, "mommy! mommy! mommy!" but the girls only smiled, said "hi mommy," and went on their merry way. and my little asher? he just took one look at me, crawled into my lap, said "nu, nu" (toddler talk for nurse, nurse), suckled for a long while, then ditched me for his toy. thanks bud. it's a bit unnerving to learn your kids can survive without you. you think because you birthed these beings into existence, they're dependent on your body for survival, and you selflessly give and care for them everyday, that they just can't make it through the day without you, or at least they shouldn't be able to damn it! 


in all of this, i've learned three, no, four, no five things—

1. my kids need me but not as desperately as i thought, and that's okay.
2. my husband can survive with the kids all day & the kids can survive with him.
(although they had fried chicken, sno cones, and god knows what else, but we'll pretend i don't know that)
3. staying at home with my kids is a gift to be cherished.
4. it's actually the best gift ever, and i wouldn't trade it in for the world.
5.  and yes, you can work outside the home and still consider yourself a stay at home mom.