BLOG.ERIKASKREATION.COM

new blog

erika — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 05:32:00 GMT

I no longer blog here. You can now find me at

www.erikaskreation.com

See you there!

persistence

erika — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 18:59:00 GMT

I am finally beginning to become comfortable with motherhood. After five years and three kids, perhaps this should have happened sooner, but I think I was always too busy wishing things were different--that I had more money, less debt, more love, less anger, more this, less of that. With that perspective you become consumed with what you lack instead of working with what you have. I fumbled along trying to figure out what I wanted and didn't want for my kids, trying out a million things but mastering nothing, then getting frustrated because I couldn't be like the wonderful moms who could knit, sew, bake, do crafty things with their kids, cook and clean, and somehow manage to be sane through it all. But I'm finally done trying to be like others and what do you know, but it's opened up worlds of possbilities within my life. I have a much better grasp on what I want and how I want to do it, and seeing things coming together, even if very slowly, is exciting.

I suppose you could say everything comes down to choices. You become the mother you are by the choices you make. Granted, hard times fall on everyone, difficulties arise, and life is never fair. But it really is what you make of it. You can sit around in self-pity and bitterness over how you were raised--yes, I've done this--or you can pick yourself up, move on, and do things differently. If you want different things for yourself and for your children, then you have to make different choices. Yes it's hard, hellishly difficult in fact, especially if you endured trauma in childhood. But there has to, there just has to come a point, where you muster up every bit of strength inside of you, and choose to do things differently. Do not think you can never change. Do not think the life you want for you and your children is impossible. You can do anything. You really can. Motherhood is a journey, so you will have bumps in the road along the way, heck you may even hit a tree, but don't let that stop you from getting right back on the path. Fight for what you want. Determine in your mind that you are going to reach even your highest of goals. And then, do it.

P.S. Mom, if you're reading this, I love you. I know you did the best you knew how, and there were alot of things you did differently because you didn't want us to endure what you did. Thank you. And I can't wait until you move in so you can fix my sewing machine and teach me how to sew, among other things of course. It'll be like our second chance. I promise I won't scream at you, stomp my feet, slam my bedroom door, and tell you "I hate you!"

another day at the beach

erika — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 03:20:50 GMT

my mother-in-law picked us up and took us to the beach today. it was wonderful. i've always lived close to the coast, so the water brings me comfort, although i have a little of my mom's fear in me. but as odd as it might sound, i enjoy the sand sticking to my body, the salt water taste in my mouth, and the feeling of my skin slightly toasting in the sun.

i have fond memories of my sister & i jumping over waves,--yes, we could jump that high or so we thought!--scaring my mom by going out to far, and burying each other in the sand. going today reminded me of it all. my children and i sat digging in the sand, and it felt like we were outside of time. i love those moments when you are living so much in the moment that you forget that it is even a moment, when you don't even contemplate time or yourself even, you just are. i think children always live like that. we sat there, and we scooped and poured and molded and formed, but we didn't create anything, except for a peaceful memory of enjoying each other's presence.

i didn't take the camera because i tend to live behind the camera when i bring it, and it's hard to do that, care for three fearless young children under the age of six, and spend quality time with them. i'm actually glad i left it. since my mother-in-law was there, i was able to take my oldest out further into the water. she climbed on my back, and we jumped the waves together. a few times, i got a bit fearful because the water was almost to my neck, the waves were higher than usual, and we almost went under, but i decided to be courageous and have fun. before i even realized it, we were both screaming like we were mad, jumping the waves, and laughing like crazy hyenas. it's these moments i want to remember in the future and especially these moments i want to live in the present.

this is the day

erika — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 21:29:00 GMT

this morning i was feeling off rhythm. i find it difficult to get back into the swing of home life after working four days a week. tuesdays are always hard, i need to remember. i honestly didn't think i'd miss the kids as much as i do. i am thankful that sometimes when it's hectic and crazy, i get to just walk out and go, but it's also difficult if shay & i are at odds, and i don't have time to fix things right then and there because i have to leave to work.

this week i've been realizing things about myself. i've come to admit for the bazillionth time that i don't like it when i'm not in control. and i don't mean i have to be running everybody's lives, but i find it hard to handle when relationships are off-kilter. i always want things to be made right, for people to feel better, for healing to take place. i'm sure that's why i got my degree in social work, why i always want to fix things when my kids are sad & when my husband and i aren't getting along, why i still want to write my college boyfriend a letter to apologize after such a strange break up, and why i've prayed for my parents to get remarried after getting divorced twice (and yes, i'm crazy, just like when i was twelve, i still pray for this). i'm sure that you can see why being like this is both a blessing and a curse.

i hope you are realizing things about yourself this week too. things that will heal you and free you. and of course i hope you are simply enjoying life to the fullest and savoring the seemingly unimportant moments. these are the moments i've been savoring this week.

my youngest two napping together.

my husband giving our son a haircut.

princess photos taken while i'm at work.

asher playing in the water and spilling it,

dumping it on the floor,

and loving every minute of it.

birthday blog

erika — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 22:03:00 GMT

i am thirty today. not fishing for a "happy birthday," but of course it's always nice to hear. funny thing, i actually forgot it was my birthday until i received a text from my sister. and i promise i do not typically forget about myself. i can be rather obsessed actually. it's just been a long weekend. very long and exhausting. i had fun the first part, a little too much, nah, that's not possible. let's just say i forgot about everything else in my life and indulged myself. it was a blast!

i spent the next day recovering. our family also had a major disappointment that day, not something altogether unexpected but sad nonetheless. it's a type of loss i suppose, not the same as death, but still exceptionally painful. we are dealing with loss in so many other ways too, and it all just puts me in this state of melancholy. i miss when life was easier, but i think it's just wishful thinking because i don't think there's ever been a period in my family's life when life was "easier." i am not sulking, oh perhaps just a little, but life has always been hard. filled with horrible pain from betrayal, separation, divorce, all forms of abuse, mental illness, and the like. if this is my family, surely this is others' too. i just hope and pray our generation chooses to do things differently. i just pray we hold on to hope and reach for the light and never stop chasing it. because i know, i just know with my whole heart, that one day, we will be able to grab hold of it, and i am almost certain we will never let it go.

on working

erika — Thu, 28 May 2009 03:29:00 GMT

saturday i started a part time job at a department store down the street. it was very surreal. i haven't worked outside the home in over five years. i don't think i was prepared for the transition. i'm not used to sitting down for any longer than, oh, say two minutes at a time if the kids are awake so getting through the four hour orientation was grueling. i was laughing at myself because when it came time to take the quiz, i was reading questions and asking was this in the video? thankfully i didn't have to worry because it was a shout-the-answer-out-loud quiz. needless to say, i wasn't shouting any answers. but hey, i'll just chalk it up to being at home, multi-tasking, and never having the opportunity to focus on any one thing for longer than two minutes, or is it seconds?

aside from my inability to sit down and process information from a tv screen, i was just about in tears on the way home. i think it finally hit me that i would be working outside of my home. i felt sort of ridiculous for my feelings, thinking, come on, erika, this is what people do. they work for a living. it's how you survive. but my feelings had nothing to do with that and everything to do with the fact that my kids are 5, 3, and 1 and i have only known staying at home with them for their entire little lives. my husband said they would be fine because come on, they are in his care, the next best thing to mommy, but it's not them i was worried about.

when i found out my next shift was monday, for 8 1/2 hours, i just about lost it. my little asher is still nursing, and i thought for sure i would be at work, engorged (that's when your boobs are full of milk and very uncomfortable for you childless ones out there), leaking milk, and sobbing while trying to help a customer. of course, i got through it, and it wasn't until the next day when i stayed home that i started leaking, go figure.

and when i got home, i expected my kids to greet me with shouting voices, "mommy! mommy! mommy!" but the girls only smiled, said "hi mommy," and went on their merry way. and my little asher? he just took one look at me, crawled into my lap, said "nu, nu" (toddler talk for nurse, nurse), suckled for a long while, then ditched me for his toy. thanks bud. it's a bit unnerving to learn your kids can survive without you. you think because you birthed these beings into existence, they're dependent on your body for survival, and you selflessly give and care for them everyday, that they just can't make it through the day without you, or at least they shouldn't be able to damn it!

in all of this, i've learned three, no, four, no five things--

1. my kids need me but not as desperately as i thought, and that's okay.
2. my husband can survive with the kids all day & the kids can survive with him.
(although they had fried chicken, sno cones, and god knows what else, but we'll pretend i don't know that)
3. staying at home with my kids is a gift to be cherished.
4. it's actually the best gift ever, and i wouldn't trade it in for the world.
5. and yes, you can work outside the home and still consider yourself a stay at home mom.

friday

erika — Fri, 22 May 2009 18:49:00 GMT

it's the end of the week, but it always feels like the beginning of mine. shay is off for the weekend, i can actually travel further than the one mile radius of my neighborhood, and the air just smells sweeter. i love staying home with my children, but it's different when "staying home" literally means staying home and nothing else.

but i have to say we have had a good week. i'm convinced kids only want two things from you--your love & your time. but really the second is just a natural outpouring of the first. i've been thinking about quality time compared with quantity, and i really think they want both. of course if you absolutely can't give them quantity, then quality is just perfect, but if you can afford to spend significant periods of time with your children, talking to them, enjoying their presence, getting to know them like you would with anybody you are in love with, then i think you'll be surprised, pleasantly of course.

this week i noticed the simple things. the patter of asher's feet as he ran from me when i needed to change his diaper. the way elli's top lip pointedly graces her teeth when she smiles. and i was especially satisfied with the dialogue i had with my oldest daughter, cristiana. she's five.

cristiana: mommy, guess my favorite place.

me: disneyland!

cristiana: no.

me: the zoo!

cristiana: no.

me: chuck e. cheese?

cristiana: no.

me: the park?

cristiana: no.

me: the beach?

cristiana: no.

me: well then, i don't know cristiana. where is your favorite place?

cristiana: pauses, thinks for a second...home.

i read in the paper today about a woman in new mexico who murdered her three your old son. as soon as i read the headline, i gasped (likely what you just did) and got pist off at yet another child murdered at the hands of the one who should be his fiercest protector. but you want to know what made the officer on scene cry and caused my own downpour? she said she didn't want him to have to live a life where nobody cared about him just like she had lived a life where nobody cared about her.

my heart sank.

perhaps she was loved and this was an excuse, but perhaps she really never felt loved or cared for. no, i do not think this excuses her actions, but consider this young woman's aching heart for a moment. a twenty one year old young lady suffocated her son while he was sleeping because she felt unloved and didn't want him to experience the same fate. oh that she would have just loved him instead!! but this extreme, this horrific murder, should tell us how important it is to be loved. and these are the kinds of stories we are seeing everywhere. i often hear people say, "i don't watch the news because i don't like to see all the negativity." and yes, while shocking things certainly do sell, i've decided i don't want to be ignorant and pretend the negativity doesn't exist. i want to do what i can to change it. we are at a point where people are refusing their misery. perhaps they are severely emotionally disturbed and misguided and handling things in the most horrendous of ways, but i have to say that maybe these stories will give us wake up calls and reminders of what truly matters.

it is not the latest fashion trends, fad diets, or mud masks. it's not even where our kids go to school or where we work. what truly matters are people. people. people. people. i can't say it enough. so no matter where you are in life, suffering the most wretched of fates or beaming on top of the highest mountain, do not forget those closest to you, those dearest to your heart. there is no greater tragedy than to have lived a full life and failed to have loved. and there's nothing more fulfilling than choosing to pour out your heart and your life in love for another. and that, my friends, is home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

goal updates from last friday--

no shopping for therapy this week, woohoo! it feels so good to stop doing such a stupid thing! & i gave to a local momma in need instead of a charity. she's a single mom, not by choice, and she is going from being a stay at home mom for several years, supported by her husband, to one who has had to find a job, a new place to live, and is starting new with almost nothing. and she's facing a custody battle on top of it all. i know she'd appreciate your prayers. & i'd like to say i'm thankful for our local mamas group, Peaceful Beginnings, who is always eager to contribute to those in need. i really think every mama should have access to a group as wonderful!

happy friday everyone!! enjoy your weekend. leave this week behind and start NEW! and remember to love one another.

friday

erika — Fri, 15 May 2009 19:41:00 GMT

last friday i discussed my desire to think more globally, to stop accumulating unnecessary stuff, and to set goals for myself to provide for those in need. i've decided to give a weekly update on my goals, add new goals when i feel the need arise, and to do a featured blog every friday, highlighting an important charity. i think this will help as many of us want to give but don't know where to start.

my goals last week were...
1. I will not use shopping as therapy.
2. Whenever I buy something I don't need, I will give equally as much to someone in need.
3. I will give x dollars to someone in need every week, either by way of charity or directly.

please see last week's blog to get a better understanding of these goals.

my results...
1. i am happy to say I did not use shopping as therapy this week, at least not in the traditional way. on wednesday, as usual, i was feeling depressed and wanting to get out of the house, so i couldn't wait for shay to get home so i could leave. i went to the store, but i actually had a reason to be there, unlike previous times when i went with no reason, except to supposedly look around and then leave with stuff i convinced myself i needed. i got the things i needed, lingered around because i needed more time to myself, but didn't buy anything extra. i went to the store being more intentional about my purpose there and reminding myself that my emotions will not be fulfilled by buying something. my emotions were fulfilled because i was able to get out of the house and have time to myself, and i was able to disconnect this from the shopping experience.

2. since i didn't buy something i didn't need this week, number two was fulfilled.

3. i failed at number three because i remembered thursday but then decided instead of giving two different times, i'll just give one time to the same charity but double up the amount this week to make up for last week.

as for charities this week, i would like to highlight some that are helping out in the slums of India. i debated watching Slumdog Millionaire because i wasn't sure i wanted to support a film that left its childhood actors in the same impoverished conditions. i suppose i just felt like if they really cared, they would show it by their actions in at least helping the main actors in the film. i ended up watching it because my husband rented it in our overnight stay at a downtown hotel. i suppose i understand the difficulty the producers are in, wanting to help the actors, but not wanting their parents to take advantage of them, so they set up a trust for them they can access once they graduate high school. and despite my thoughts about their actions, the reality is the movie did bring international attention to the conditions of the slum dwellers, and hopefully, that will ignite change. the pressing reality, though, is they need help now too. i read this in the middle of the night. so i did some research and i found a few organizations that are directly impacting those in the slums. i wish i could find one that directly impacted these actors. i would be all over helping them.

anyway, here are the organizations--

Asha
SPARC India
World Vision
GFA

i plan to choose one of these organizations to give to this week. personally, i love to give to organizations that are locals helping locals, although i am definitely not opposed to others. and as a christian, i will not give to an organization that wants to "spread the gospel of jesus" but is unwilling to meet the needs of the people or who will only help if people attend required church services and what not. jesus' love was unconditional. he taught people and he fed them. he forgave people, and he healed them. he always met the physical needs of the people with the spiritual. he never gave food for the soul without giving food for the belly. i do not think it is loving to do otherwise. with that said, i will not feature any organization that is unwilling to meet the physical needs of the people. i know what my life is like when my physical needs are lacking even for a few hours. it affects everything. physical needs are desperately important. spiritual ones are too. but i think they go hand in hand.

please let me know your thoughts and if you have any organization you would like me to feature, and i'll take that into consideration. thanks for reading & happy friday!

i don't want to forget

erika — Thu, 14 May 2009 20:52:00 GMT

what matters most in my life.

it's been a chaotic week--preparing to move, showing the house to sell it, keeping it clean to show it, screaming at the kids when it gets too messy, looking for a place to live, searching for new jobs, and the list goes on. i just don't want to forget that life is about, well, people. and that i am a mother, and motherhood is about, well, mothering. and in my case, mothering little people.

after being inspired by this amazing mama, this one & this one we took a long walk together and we painted.

here are a few of the finished pieces that most reflect each child's personality.

cristiana, the careful, steady, slow moving one painted a delicate rose.

elli painted a wall (she wishes she could paint the ones in our house), and gets very involved in her paintings, almost always ripping a hole in the paper.

asher, being the animated toddler he is, painted bright primaries in a whimsical fashion. needless to say, he finished the quickest.

there's just something about painting that makes you slow down,
savor the moment,
and remember.

thirty

erika — Tue, 12 May 2009 19:36:00 GMT

.30.

Three stands for that which is solid, real, complete, whole, and it denotes divine perfection. Thirty is three, ten times, denoting in a higher degree the perfection of the divine order. At least that's what I read here. No, I don't believe everything I read, and I'm not a numerologist, though I do find it a wee bit fascinating. But neither do I think numbers are completely random and useless, although I have to admit I'm not a fan of complex mathematics. I suppose I should've just stated I have a fascination with thirty this year, and it only mildly has to do with the fact that I'll be thirty in exactly three weeks from today. Yes, three weeks, you see, there's that number again. And yes, it really does have everything to do with that.

When I was a kid, I thought thirty was old, ahem, yes, very old in fact. But now that I'm almost thirty, of course I see things differently. Not just because it's the new twenty, although I have that to my advantage, but because this year I finally feel like I am coming back into my skin again, into who I was created to be. When I was a teen, I was a depressed, co-dependent, fumbling mess in many ways, but I also think I had alot of things right. I was an idealist, a dreamer, someone who believed that my life could change and that one person actually could make a difference and ignite change in the world. However, I became a Christian in college, and slowly, that person left. Do you not find that the least bit crazy?? Okay, maybe you don't. If you're not a Christian (and perhaps even if you are), you may think Christians are lame and boring or maybe you associate other words with us like exclusivist, elitist, self-rightous...do I really have to go on? Perhaps some of your judgments are misguided, perhaps, and sadly, some of them right. But for the past three years--that number again!--I have rediscovered Jesus and my faith. Rediscovered. That word scares people, especially people who don't think things should change.

Nonetheless, I have come to see him in a whole new light, but the thing is, I don't think it's new to the Christian faith, though perhaps new to my perception of it. I mean, how does one become a follower of Jesus, but lose her hope for change, lose her youthful idealism, lose who she was, which I think is really who she is supposed to be?! If you have read any of the New Testament gospels of Jesus, and especially if you read them knowing the historical context in which Jesus lived, you see that he inspired hope, inspired change, was never happy with the status quo, turned typical thinking of the day upside down, and either amazed people or sent them into a rage of fury.

I got to the point where I was sending people into rages of fury, not because I was being like Jesus, but because I was being a jerk though claiming to be like him, but really I was fearful of not having little clones of me. I was on a quest to evangelize the world, to make everybody think and act like me, that is. If you were in my club of clones, we would talk about everyone else as if they were outsiders. It was us vs. them. I claimed my quest was to think like Jesus, to act like him, and to become his follower, and though that's what my heart really desired, I believe I was very misguided. I thought I questioned things and thought for myself and educated myself, but I really only questioned those things that disagreed with me, thought about all the reasons why I was right, and educated myself more on why what I had already concluded was truth. It came to be that anybody who did not believe exactly, and I mean exactly, how I believed, scared me. I said it was because I feared they would go to hell and convinced myself of this, but maybe it was because I believed anything that deviated from what my church said, was not the truth, and therefore, if it wasn't the truth, my faith wasn't legitimate, and maybe it was me who was wrong and was going to hell.

Maybe I'm not supposed to be saying these things, to be letting people in on these "secrets" of those with faith--and of course let me clarify that not all think like this--but I am just to the point where I don't give a damn. Yes, you read that right. I am done, very done, with keeping secrets, with the us vs. them mentality, with exclusion, with self-righteousness and piety, with thinking I have to be the one to protect truth as if God isn't capable himself. And besides, who the hell do I think I am anyway, thinking that I somehow have all the answers to the questions of the universe? I am a Christian, yes, and to me that means nothing other than a follower of Jesus. I think you can learn how to follow him by reading the ancient text called the Bible, and yes, call me crazy I really don't care, but I believe it's inerrant, the word of god, whatever you want to call it, but I no longer pretend to have all the answers, to act as if I have unlocked all the mysteries of the world. So wow, yeah, I guess I'm done pretending to be God.

And the great thing about all of this is I have this burden lifted. I don't have to protect the faith. I don't have to ostracize those who don't believe as I do. I don't have to "save" people. I actually know what Jesus meant when he said his yoke is easy and his burden is light. All I have to do is love people and yearn for their freedom like Jesus loves me and has always yearned for mine. Do I believe in truth? Oh but of course. But it's not always so black and white. All I see is what's on the outside. I don't know your heart, unless you share it with me, and even then, I don't see it all. There are places you probably don't even see. But God, well, he sees it all, and that is not something to be feared. Unless of course you're one of those people Jesus was always getting mad at, but then I suppose you think everything I'm writing is a crock anyway.

But yes, back to my point. I am three weeks away from being thirty, and this year, I am finally coming back into my own skin. Changes are taking place, and I am no longer afraid. I am much more confident about who I am, and I have an idea of who I want to become, though I know my destination will constantly change, and that in and of it self, excites me. And what makes me the happiest is that I am dreaming again. (If you are doing anything in your life that has caused you to stop dreaming, I'd say you should probably run as far away from it as you can.) I have regained my youthful idealism. I believe one person can make a difference, and yes, I still want to change the world. Oh and I forgot to mention, as of today, I've lost thirty pounds this year--and you know I'm going to say it, there's that number again.

.30.

friday

erika — Fri, 08 May 2009 18:11:00 GMT

another week has passed, and i am happy i survived! i've been busy this week decluttering the house (does this ever end?), beautifying the front and back yards so it will be perfect to put on the market, and of course caring for three young children during the process. this is no simple task! we told the kids the news, and they are very excited. cristiana's face lights up when she thinks of austin and she immediately screams, "yay! kaylee and jude!" and elli follows her lead. kaylee and jude are their beloved cousins. so telling them has helped motivate them to stop doing things like climbing up the doorways to hang off the molding around it and treating the low walls like a balance beam. apart from that, they are clueless. when i first told cristiana we were selling the house, she sadly replied, "okay, but mommy, i don't want them to have all my stuff." i chuckled and explained to her they would be getting the house but not all her toys, and she was fine with that. it seems to me kids are fine as long as they have close relationships and their "stuff." although, i am busy trying to make us satisfied with less stuff.

i've been prioritizing in the last few months, and i realize how little we really need. i am no longer the packrat that keeps my shoes from high school that i just might wear one day or the books that i just might read or the papers that i just might need, and i no longer buy my kids cheap little toys just to fill their stockings or easter baskets, but i continue to feel like we have too much. i want to live as simply as possible. i want to not need my garage or my attic for storage because my goodness, if it doesn't all fit in my 1,755 square foot home, do i really need it? i read in the Houston Chronicle yesterday that a man's family was awarded a few hundred thousand dollars after he was trampled to death on black friday when 200 people stampeded into wal-mart to get their annual black friday savings. another lady miscarried her baby after being knocked down by fellow shoppers. can you tell me we don't have a problem in this country? we are stampeding for computers, kitchen gadgets, and toys, willing to trample over anyone that gets in our way. this mass consumption has turn into mass hysteria because we're afraid we won't save the hundred bucks on some product a corporation convinced us we needed to have.

i am trying to convince myself of other things, to think more globally. i think about things like the fact that one billion children don't have access to clean drinking water or that every few seconds a child dies of hunger. that's 15 million children in a year that die. please, don't think of these as numbers. think of names and faces and lives. think of cute little toddlers running around. of the smiles. the giggles. the snuggles. of the tears. the cries. the wails. i have to pause myself to even reflect on this grim reality. do it. stop reading right now.

i ask myself, what would i do if these were my children? if you think we are all in this together as human beings, then you have to believe, they are your children. they are my children. how could we not care for them? i am not saying any of this to inflict guilt, okay maybe just a little, but should we not feel guilty? oh yes, i know, i hear repeatedly, there is only so much we can do, and we can't feel guilty for what we have because others don't. but come on, it's only partially true that you have what you have because you worked your ass off for it. oh, i'm not denying that you probably worked your tail off, but could it have helped that you just so happened to be born in the united states of america? would you have the same life if you were born in senegal or laos or burundi?? so yes, i think we should feel guilty, not because we have, but because we have and we are unwilling to share. we teach our kids to share all the time, but we are unwilling to do it ourselves. we stake a claim to what's ours. we may as well shout and scream, "that's mine!! i'm not going to share!! i don't want to!" i know, i know, we are all just trying to get by, but we have to believe there is more to life than getting by.

so i ask you, out of my own guilt and irresponsibility and especially out of my desire to change, please, won't you consider making changes with me? my heart desperately wants to live differently, but i'll be the first to admit, i get caught up in what's around me. as much as a non-conformist as i am (homebirth, attachment parenting, breastfeeding, vegan, yada, yada), where i put my money is not always ultimately where i want it to be going. i want it to be going to others just as much, if not more, than to myself and my own family. lofty goal, i know, but it starts with the small changes. here are my changes, working toward my goal, won't you share yours?

* I will not use shopping as therapy.
  You think I'm crazy. I am by no means a shopaholic. We have a very modest income and I don't have to have the newest gadget on
the market or even those that are five years old. My kids don't get toys, except for christmas & their birthdays, but sometimes, after
being home for a week with no van, I just want to get out of the house. And living down the street from every store you can imagine, I
end up at one of them, usually Target. Um, why don't I just go to the park? Or to visit a friend? Even if it's $5 spent on something I
don't need, that is $5! One in four people on the planet live on less than $1 a day!!!

* Whenever I buy something I don't need, I will give equally as much to someone in need.
  This is not punishment. It's just to get me to be more intentional about where I put my money. I know when I buy something I don't
  need. My conscience always tells me. And believe me, we try to convince ourselves we need so much. But I am committing before
you, my readers, to follow through with this in honesty. I am not saying I should only help others in need when I selfishly give to
myself. This is in addition because I really think it will cause me to actually think twice about it because I will be thinking about
others in the process. And then, with the money I save, I will have more to give toward my next goal. If you have a better idea than this
one, do let me know.

* I will give x dollars to someone in need every week, either by way of charity or directly.
   I say every week because this is when Shay gets paid. And I say "x" because I don't think we need to advertise how much we give
   but it's just important that we do give. Even $1 is a starting point so don't ever feel like you can give too little because if you're not
   giving at all, any bit is more than what you were giving before. And once you start investing into someone or into some charity you
   wholeheartedly love and support, I don't think you will want to stop giving. You will likely want to give more.

Okay, so that's three goals for now. I will update next Friday. Feel free to tag someone with this blog. Imagine the possibilities.

on our way

erika — Mon, 04 May 2009 15:37:00 GMT

shay & i have known changes would happen in our lives because we finally stopped dreaming and started living our dreams, but i don't think we realized that once we started, the changes would come quickly rolling in.

tonight is shay's last football referee training. he passed his test with flying colors, can we say a 100?!! i'm so proud of him but not at all surprised because he knows his stuff, and the stuff he didn't know (and i seriously didn't think there was anything he didn't know), he quickly learned. i've never seen the guy read and study so much! so soon enough, he'll be a ref at high school football games. this is perfect timing because his hours were cut at his machinist job, first from working mondays and just last week, he was informed all employees would be leaving early on fridays too. this of course doesn't put us in a good place financially, but we have had it much worse and are just thankful he still has a job. and the timing for this is also just perfect.

although we love our home, it is our first after all, we know without a doubt, that living in the suburbs is not the place for us. i am drawn to the city like a vampire is drawn to blood. i am always thirsty for it, never tire of it, and can't get enough of it. people call it smelly and filthy and dangerous, but i see diversity and adventure and people in need. shay is just the opposite. he loves nature. if he had his way, we would move to minnesota, the place of his birth, but i wouldn't survive there. our compromise is to find a place that accomodates both. we've lived in a place like that, actually, we met and were married in a place like that, but we moved because shay & i got laid off repeatedly and were nearly evicted from our first apartment together there. i was seven months pregnant when we moved, a very distraught, crying mess to put it mildly, and i wanted nothing more than to leave that place.

but if i'm honest, i have to admit, i loved that place. it is flourishing with life and love and people who won't settle for the status quo. the city is bubbling with character, it's known as "the live music capital of the world," and what do you know, but there are trees, and trails, and rivers, and lakes, not to mention, shay's favorite sports team, which just happens to be the college from where i received my degree. it's really a perfect place for us, this city named Austin, but i think for the longest time, up until recently, we were scared as hell to go back because it reminded us of suffering and heartache and yes, failure.

but we are finally at a place where we are willing to face our fears, to step out into an uncertain future, and to see what awaits us. we are putting our house on the market in the next week or two, which we would do regardless of whether we were moving to austin, because we want to live within our means. in the mean time, i will be working on the weekends, shay will be refereeing and continuing at his current job, while also looking for a job in austin and for a place for us to live. if our house sells before he finds a job, we will live in a more affordable place here, closer to the city of course, until austin is a possibility.

the changes are happening at a crazy time. the economy is a mess, and the likelihood of our house selling and shay finding a new job sounds preposterous, but i now know that almost all dreams are absurd, and i am content in trying to fulfill an absurd reality with my husband and family. it is the adventure called life, where fulfilling your dreams is never comfortable or safe, but always worth pursuing. and i shouldn't be surprised that it is all happening right when i decided i was content at last. it's always at the moment where i stop yearning for my consuming desires and rest in peace in my current situation, that god comes in and reminds me that faith is scandalous indeed.

loss & gain

erika — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 01:26:00 GMT

seven months ago we lost one of our cars. it's changed my life. i went from being a mom always on the go to a mom always at home. in the beginning, it was very difficult, and i was often depressed, and on the computer more than i'd like to admit. but somewhere along the road, things changed, and i can actually say i am content being at home. i spend so much more quality time with my kids-- we spend alot of time on art, we garden, we dig and get dirty, we dance in the rain, we take nature walks, and we even have time to smell the roses, um, okay, the dandelions. these are things we may have done sporadically before, but now we have time to savor simple moments everyday. we don't have anywhere to go, except for maybe our backyard or a few adventures around the block, oh, and cristiana likes to sneak over each of our neighbors' fences because they have trampolines.

i feel like my children are having a traditional childhood, and i'm happy.

too often we can get carried away by wanting
to have more,
to spend more,
to see more,
to do more,
but i wonder if we are settling for less.

children are delighted by the simplest of things. they will admire a flower, gently pick it from the ground, smell the sweet scent, pull off the petals, toss them aside, and dance in circles around them. it sounds like something out of a film, but cristiana just did this today. and i can't even count how many times this week she has brought me flowers and said, "mommy, i picked these just for you." or how many times she has climbed the fence or painted a beautiful picture and said, "mommy, look what i can do!" and elli loves to play in the dry soil, the sand, and in the mud. she will just sit there and run her hands and arms through the different textures and she will dig and dump and dig and dump over and over again. she changes dresses five times a day because she gets one dirty and has to have a clean one. asher enjoys riding up and down the sidewalk in his push car and chasing the birds. each time he runs after them as if seeing them for the first time. if we were gone now as much as we used to be, my kids wouldn't have as many of these moments. i know this because they didn't. if we had our other car, i may not have to wash as many dresses, but what is that compared to watching my children delight in the surroundings i usually take for granted?

and then, the one day out of the week when i do get the van--the day when my husband's wonderful friend, jason, goes out of his way to pick shay up so that i can have a vehicle--when that happens, our adventures out are limitless. we don't spend them running errands but we sporadically go to the beach, to the park, to the zoo, to wherever our hearts desire that morning. i no longer take any of these places for granted because i am just so thrilled to get out of the house, and whatever we do brings excitement to all of us.

all of this sounds wonderful, and it is, it really is, but this isn't to say that i only want to have one car forever, because i don't. i would like the van back because right now our weekends are filled with errands galore and very little rest, and sometimes i am overwhelmed to the point i think i can't take it anymore, but this entire situation has given me perspective. it has showed me to slow down, to savor every moment with my children, and yes, even to stop and smell the roses, or the dandelions in our case.

it's tomorrow today

erika — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 08:11:00 GMT

it's three in the morning. i vowed to run at 4:45 am because i consumed obscene quantities of sugar today and decided i could make up for it by dripping mounds of sweat in the dark, my own penance i suppose. doubtful. i was tired three hours ago when i decided to retire but reading email led to reading blogs, and here i sit, three hours later, awake and inspired, with a suckling toddler at my breast.

motherhood.

it's everything and nothing. everything blurry comes into focus when i consider these three strange and glorious beings. and nothing is as i expected. so when seven rolls around, and cristiana is in my room acting out a three act play with her barbies, elli says "i hungy" for the ten thousandth and fifty third time, and asher is still suckling, remind me of this excessively sentimental moment when nothing mattered save my solitude, my keyboard, and you.

on the road to freedom

erika — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 19:50:00 GMT

nobody wants to be a slave. i can bet every single one of us wants to be free. but i would argue that many, if not most, of us are slaves. we might not be involuntarily owned by another human being, but we do something worse. we voluntarily give ourselves over to various addictions. sex. gambling. drugs. food. money. power. even shopping. we crave, we devour, and we want more.

but so many of us, including myself, are unwilling to admit that we are slaves. we figure we're not one of those people with an addiction, we are in control of our own lives, unlike them. well, let me share my story with you (the very abridged version) and you decide for yourself.

i didn't meet my biological dad until i was seven. my step-dad (whom i call dad) raised me. we had a decent relationship, but i wouldn't call it your crawl-in-the-lap-i-love-you-daddy relationship. so for my entire short life i felt something was missing. i did what i knew how. i tried to have a boy fulfill the empty space. i was most definitely co-dependent. (my poor high school boyfriend saw the worst of this, i'm so sorry josh lemaire!) sometime in college, i decided to become a follower of jesus and i thought that because he says i am a "new creation," i wouldn't be bound by my old chains of co-dependency. but things didn't magically change no matter how hard i tried. i felt powerless. and even more powerless because i felt like i should be different than everyone else, that my actions should reflect my new relationship, but i was still the same person, or at least i felt like it.

i had an epiphany one day, and i realized that whether i called myself a christian or not, the choices i made were just that--choices i made. i could call myself a follower of jesus, but what mattered more is what i actually believed about him and about myself. and i know now we act upon what we actually believe, not upon what we say we believe. so i decided to change things. i broke off my engagement until i figured things out. and when we finally got back together, i decided the physical aspect of our relationship was off limits because it was this physical aspect that drove me to be even more co-dependent and feel emotionally out of control. we did it, we survived, and we got married april 27, 2003.

i felt that because now i was married, that co-dependency thing wouldn't be an issue, those four months of celibacy, heck of not even kissing, solved all my problems, right? it's okay, you can laugh with me. but what i've realized is that if you are seeking satisfaction in a human being that is likely as screwed up as you are (come on now, we're all twisted in our own way) or in an object such as food, drugs, money and the like, you are bound to be disappointed and unfulfilled and yet you will still crave more. so what did i do? i would like to say i became satisfied in god, but that's not what happened. i traded in one unhealthy dependency for another. i went from boys to an object --

food.

but it wasn't until two months ago that i even admitted to myself that food was an issue, no, let's say it straight, a problem for me. oh, i knew i was overweight. i knew i ate alot, especially alot of sweets. i would even call myself a "sugar addict." but for some reason, people laugh at that, maybe because most of us are, i don't know, but why would you have a different reaction if i told you i was a drug addict? is it any better? call me an extremist (people often do), but when you are in my shoes, when you finally admit to yourself that you have a problem, you begin to see just how large the problem is and how deep its roots run. just like any addict, i wasn't willing to admit i had a problem because that would mean, you hit it, that i would have to take responsibility and that i would have to make real and lasting change. who wants to do that?

i don't know what finally did it for me, i think everything just finally came together. i have been interested in natural health for several years, and i have wanted to lose weight since the birth of my first child, but i just finally got so sick of it all, and i wanted to be healthy. i've read the statistics--heart disease has been the leading cause of death in our country for the last eighty years (http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm5606a2.htm); one in four women who die every year die of heart disease(http://www.womenshealth.gov/faq/heart-disease.cfm); obesity is a major risk factor for coronary heart disease (http://www.americanheart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=4639); excess abdominal fat increases the death risk for women causing high blood pressure, high cholestorol, diabetes, heart disease and stroke (http://www.nih.gov/news/health/apr2008/niddk-07.htm).
need i even say more?

all of this makes me sad, very sad. sad because i know the physical health risks, more sad because i know the emotional suffering, and the most sad because i know so many friends and family members that struggle with the exact same thing but feel helpless, hopeless, perhaps even powerless, to make lasting change. we've tried every diet and weight loss program we can think of, but we haven't seen much change. i am not here to offer some quick fix solution or to say such and such weight loss program is the best on the market. i am doing the Eat to Live diet, and it has worked wonders for me, but it's not the diet itself that will cause lasting change. i have lost alot of weight, but i still struggle with the same issues. i can't just sit down and casually enjoy a meal with friends. the thought of food constantly crosses my mind. am i eating too much? should i eat this? should i not eat that? i really want that, but i know i shouldn't have it, should i eat it anyway? oh, i shouldn't have eaten that! are they paying attention to how much i am eating? do they think i am paying attention to how much they are eating? are they judging me? do they think i'm judging them? am i judging them?

i could just cry over how much i have become a slave to food. actually, i am crying. ladies (i know it's you who predominantly read my blogs), we can't suffer through this alone. and we can't just suffer through this. things need to change. they have to! since i have lost weight, i have become so aware of my problem and more conscious of just how many of us have this problem, not because i am judging any of you, far be it for me to do such a thing! but because my heart aches for you, for us. it aches because i know that being overweight isn't just about food, it's about something deeper. because i know it's hard emotionally though we try to pretend it isn't. because it's a problem so many of us have, yet so few of us are willing to openly discuss it. and you might think it's is easy for her to be honest now because she made changes and appears healthy now, but i can say with honesty, that it is something i struggle with daily, off and on throughout the entire day. i am not in the clear and doubt i will be for a very long time. i have to consciously decide each and every time i pick up a piece of food whether it is healthy or not and whether i should or should not put it into my mouth. i have to say no when everything in me screams yes, and i have to deal with the feeling of guilt when i said yes but i know i should've said no. it is harder than hell, but it is my choice. i am writing because, on this day of Passover, the day where people around the world are celebrating freedom, i am asking you, pleading with you, to join me on this road to freedom. a slave doesn't have a choice. someone who is free does. choose freedom. you won't regret it.

food for thought (pun intended)--

1. are you truly free?
2. to whom or to what are you a slave?
           clue: where do you attempt to find your fulfillment or satisfaction? is it healthy or harmful? does it actually fulfill/satisfy you?
3. what unmet need are you trying to fulfill?
4. what will it take to heal you?
5.  what do you believe about yourself?
           clue: what do your actions tell you?
6. what do you believe about a higher power/god?
           note: this will likely help you on your quest toward freedom.
7. if you believe in god, what do you think he believes about you?
           note: if you believe in god, what you think god thinks of you is certain to impact what you think about yourself.
6. do you really want to be free? what steps are you taking to ensure your freedom?

are you conscious?

erika — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 19:01:00 GMT

this morning i was exhausted and grouchy because i had one of those dreadful, my-son-is-exhausted-but-won't-sleep nights. and if you know me well, you know i always hold grouchy's hand when i hold exhausted's. if you know me really well, you're likely to say i'm the most moody, irritable bitch to walk the face of the earth when i'm tired, but today i realized something. i can hold exhausted's hand and let go of grouchy's.

novel idea, i know.

but i suppose you could say i often allow my physical state to dictate my emotional state and my reaction toward others. and i assumed that if i felt like shit, er, i mean crap--although sometimes profanity just drives the point home better--yet i reacted kindly and with a smile on my face, i was being fake, and i hate fake, i really do, so i never wanted to feel like crap and pretend to be happy. but today it hit me, that i can feel like shit and still be in a good mood without being fake. and it's as simple as choice.

oh i know, if you're like me, someone who leans toward being a pessimist and is just kind of moody overall, those happy people who always have a smile on their face drive you batty. you just want to walk up to them and kick in their smile and tell them, "the world sucks, why are you so damn happy all the time?" and then you can call them "fake" and make yourself feel better about your misery. but really people, there has to be a point where we grow up and take some responsibility. eww, i don't like that word.

but today, i went against my typical irresponsible self, and simply said, "i'm not bitchy, and i'm going to be joyful (note not jolly, kick me if that happens)," and crazy thing folks, but guess what, i wasn't bitchy and i was joyful. i reacted kindly and with patience toward my kids who also happened to be grouchy, whereas normally we all would have been screaming and crying together. and when you decide to react differently than what your body is telling you that you are, then i think that takes the fake out of it, because you're not making it up, you're making what you want a reality by choosing it, and that is very real. sounds like some spiritual new age mumbo jumbo, but i think it's just plain 'ole conscious living.

and for even more conscious living, i'll end my blog with a few very simple, very healthy & very delicious recipes for you. if you're trying to lose weight or just be healthier overall, try eating the smoothie for breakfast, 2 oz nuts and fruit for a snack, the salad along with some cooked greens and whole grain bread for lunch and dinner, and you can get your protein by eating 4 oz servings of meat three times a week or just sticking to unlimited beans and tofu or a combo of the three. (That's the Eat to Live diet in a nutshell.)

Tropical Smoothie

3/4 cup pineapple
1/4 cup pineapple juice (i just use the canned pineapple in its own juice)
1 orange
1 banana
1/2 - 3/4 cup frozen mango chunks
1/2 - 3/4 cup frozen peach slices
1 tbsp ground flaxseed (we like to add it to the top after we serve it in our glass)

Throw all in the blender (minus the flax), blend, and enjoy!

And just know that I don't measure anything so except for the orange and banana, these aren't exact measurements. Oh & I've always thought coconut shavings would be incredibly delicious on top so try that too and let me know. For a Berry Smoothie, substitute the orange, mango, and peaches with strawberries and blueberries and add a little (like 1/2 cup or so) soymilk (or cow's or whatever your family enjoys) and blend. Yum! Yum!

Low-Calorie Vinaigrette

1 1/2 - 2 cups fresh strawberries or raspberries or any fruit you like
juice of half of a lemon
balsalmic vinaigrette to taste
agave or other sweetener to taste (you don't need but a tablespoon at most)

Blend or process fruit until it's a puree. Add lemon juice, then vinegar and agave to taste. Serve a couple of tablespoons on the salad of your choice and save the rest for next time!

Mariee's Salad

large plate full of mixed greens
1/2 cup frozen peas, thawed
1/2 cucumber (cut a couple up and and let them soak in vinegar of your choice in the fridge, use as needed)
handful alfalfa sprouts
small handful raw green beans
1/2 tomato, diced
1/2 avocado, diced
1-2 tbsp fakin' bacon bits
2 tbsp low-calorie vinaigrette (see above or buy your own)

Put on a plate & toss.

This is de-li-cious! I can't stand cucumbers or tomatoes on salads, but cucumbers soaked in vinegar are yummy, and with all the other stuff, you can't even tell the tomatoes are there. Anything with avocado and fakin' bacon is a hit in my book. I've been eating this salad daily for lunch and dinner with a few variations (sometimes adding raw broccoli, purple onions, and anything else i like) ever since my sister introduced me to it a couple of weeks ago!

a little garden flower

erika — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 21:16:00 GMT

I previously mentioned we would be homeschooling, Waldorf style. In case any of you are interested, I just wanted to let you know about a great site I found that has helped me tremendously while starting this journey. Even if you are not inclined toward Waldorf education, Melisa Nielson has some great products that you can't find at a more affordable price. Check out Melisa's store and when you place your order, let her know in the comment box that "erikaskreation" sent you!

content at last

erika — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 18:17:00 GMT

Spring started a few days ago, and I already feel resurrected. I know, resurrected is a verb, and you can't exactly feel it, at least not typically, but I feel it now so don't argue with me.

New life is all around me.

My husband is starting to fulfill his lifelong dreams. Next month, he's starting his training to be a referee at high school football games. If you know him, you know this is his element. He's not a math whiz (join the club), but when it comes to sports, he can spout off numbers better than anyone I've ever seen. None of it makes sense to me, but I'm proud of him just the same. It's exciting to see the one you love get excited about something he loves. And I don't just mean that he loves sports as in the way I love strawberry ice cream. I mean he can tell you teams and players of football, baseball, and basketball--high school and college and professional--and their stats, their injuries, heck, probably even who they're married to and the names of their kids. He's knows his stuff. And it floors me because I wonder when in the heck he accumulates this information. He doesn't have subscriptions to any magazines. He gets online for less than an hour a day, listens to sports radio sometimes, and watches sports games when he can, but he's never been obsessed to the point where I feel like I'm competing, so I am just baffled. I really think it's just what he was born to do. And I'm so happy for him because this referee thing is only the beginning. Who knows where it will take him? Ahhh, the thrill.

And more literally, I've been surrounded by new life from my friends. I can't even count how many of them have had babies in the past couple of months and how many more will have babies before Spring is over. My friend, Kari, is especially on my mind because she's pregnant with twins and in the hospital on bedrest. If you knew her, you would understand the craziness of those last five words. (You can learn more about her on her blog.) I have to say here though that I admire her dearly and can't help but laugh at this go getter who is organizing hospital visits and book clubs and god knows what else from her bed, aside from the fact that she's playing the waiting & praying game when it comes to her precious little boys within and has to be away from her five other sweethearts while doing so. I would hope I'd have as much tenacity.

There's also new life in our backyard, not a wee newborn, but a wee garden we started this year. The kids and I are so proud of our efforts. There's nothing like planting something so small, caring for it, and watching it grow into something beautiful. It's fascinating no matter how old you are. Our strawberries have blossomed, a couple of them are almost ready, and I can tell you I have never seen a strawberry so red. In fact, I don't know that I had seen red until I saw these berries. Cristiana and Elli excitedly run to check on them everyday and jump up and down, dancing and singing, "Our strawberries are almost ready! Our strawberries are almost ready!" Part of me doesn't even want to eat them because they're so pretty. It kind of amazes me to think of this God who loves me so incredibly much that he didn't just give me delicious food to nourish my belly, but beautiful delicious food, so that it's pleasing to all of my senses. How thoughtful! I imagine when I finally eat them, l will chew slowly and savor every bite. Oh, but not Elli, I'm sure she'll gobble one up and ask for more before she's finished chewing her last bite.

It's kind of funny the parallel between children & our food. They start from a tiny, unrecognizable seed and grow into a beautiful being with a purpose. Who would think that some tiny globs of cells could turn into Cristiana and Elli and Asher, three of my most prized treasures, and that a tiny seed that can float away in the wind, can be buried and will grow into food that nourishes and sustains us for life? I don't think I could've seen that parallel or appreciated that beauty if I hadn't changed my entire perspective on food. It took taking responsibility for my food choices. If you've been following me, you know I've been doing the Eat to Live diet, which is really just a life change. I'm so excited because as of today, I have lost 20 lbs, and it's only been eight weeks! It seems obvious that we can control our weight by controlling what we put into our mouths, but I never realized it experientially as much as I am now. Today I was actually craving a salad, yes, a salad for god's sake! I find it amazing that our body craves what we feed it, but the key is to get it to crave the good stuff.

Craving the good stuff is not just physical though. It's emotional and spiritual too. I think that's another reason why I enjoy reading nonfiction so much. It feeds my mind, stirs my emotions, and nourishes my soul. I'm currently reading You are Your Child's First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin Dancy, Raising A Son by Don Elium & Jeanne Elium (both recommended in Waldorf circles), everything must change by Brian McLaren, The Secret Message of Jesus also by McLaren, The Five Books of Moses translated by Sol Scharfstein, and The Illustrated Hebrew Bible adapted by Ellen Frankel. I'm enjoying all of the books, but I really like McLaren, I'm obsessed actually, because he gets you thinking about Jesus and Christianity in out-of-the-box terms. Some even call him a heretic. Mmmm, controversy. Must be a good read, right? Ha! Really, I think we're just used to a Jesus we've painted to suit our own selfish desires that when someone brings us back to simplicity and truth, it seems like they are deep thinkers who have lost it. But maybe we're the ones who have lost it? See for yourself. Christian or not, read some of his books, they're worth it and will rip apart your misconceptions of Jesus, I promise.

And that's what Spring is about, right? Ripping away the dead of winter, the time for everything to come back to life, to blossom, and to eventually flourish. I am ready! I'll be thirty before the season is over, and I finally feel like I have some grasp on who I am and what I want in life. It's taken me five years of being a mommy to realize that right now, that's all I want to be. No more kicking against the grain and trying to accomplish some amazing task away from home, because right now, my amazing feat is here, before my very eyes everyday, and all of my skill, courage, and ingenuity will be used at home, and I couldn't be more electrified! Reminds me of Grease,

"I got chills,
they're multiplyin'
and I'm loooosin' control.
'Cause the power
you're supplyin'
it's electrifyin'!"

Let's be like Danny & Sandy & push one another on toward accomplishing our dreams. I know, sounds like a wad of cheese, but I mean it, together, we can accomplish absolutely anything!!

art

erika — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 03:02:00 GMT

When my daughter was about seven years old, she asked me one day what I did at work. I told her I worked at the college - that my job was to teach people how to draw. She stared at me, incredulous, and said, "You mean they forget?" ~Howard Ikemoto

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since. ~Salvador Dali

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've decided to homeschool my kids. I always knew I would, but with Cristiana turning five, I freaked out because I am not at all the teacher type--I got really upset with her awhile back when she couldn't count out eight dixie cups for me though she had done it a million times before--so I decided I would put her in public school. When my crazy mind settled, and I thought about who I am and what I want for my children, I found homeschooling is currently the only option for us. Oh, it's not because I want to "protect" her from those crazy public school kids, haha, that would be ME! (I was kissing boys in elementary school, sneaking out in middle school, and I won't even mention high school.) Of course I want my little ones to retain some element of innocence, but I don't think they'll necessarily get that at home with me. Just yesterday, my little Elli said the great big "F" word, oh my, but please don't even ask where she learned it. Not only did she say it, but she shouted it in public two times, and not in just any public place but at our next door neighbor's church, need I mention they are Latter Day Saints? I was mortified. But hey, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. So as I was saying, I am not keeping my children with me to protect them from the nutzos of the world but because I have an idea of how I want them to learn. And ahem, no, they don't have any say so in the matter.

I want them to learn how they have been learning since they were born, pretty much how I want everything in life to be...if you know me, you guessed it...naturally. You don't have to teach kids to learn, they just do it. But for me at least, public school did not equal learning. Oh, I got straight A's, okay you got me, a B here and there, but it's because I stayed up all night, studied, or memorized rather, aced my tests, and then, well, I just forgot everything. I don't exactly call that learning. The thing is, I love to learn. I'm a researcher by nature. Digging up information and putting it together in a creative (non-boring) way excites me. And I have to say I am learning more now than I ever did in school, and I think it's because I get to learn what I want to learn in a way that makes sense to me. So I'm hoping to give that to my kids. From the sound of it, you might think I am doing unschooling, but I changed my mind on that one. (Don't know what that is? well, um, look it up.) Instead, I've found an approach that is everything I have been looking for in education, one that satisfies me more than any other, at least for now of course--Waldorf.

The Waldorf Schools are ridiculously expensive in my opinion, and even if I could afford it (as if), I wouldn't send my kids there because (no offense), but I don't want them to be surrounded by affluent & mostly caucasian kids, not that there is anything wrong if you are an affluent caucasian kid, but I want my kids to know life outside of a bubble, and yes, you can be homeschooled and debubbleized (a word of my own invention), but I'll talk about that in my next blog.

So, this Waldorf thing was started by Rudolf Steiner, and the more I read by him, the more I am amazed. He has this crazy idea that young children under the age of seven primarily learn by imitation and example (hence Elli's "F" word explosion), and they learn by soaking in everything they perceive by their senses, and so, working through their bodies and with their imagination molds and builds their brain. So things you would do with this age are storytelling, puppetry, singing & dancing, baking, cooking, wet felting, watercolor painting, modeling, woodworking, gardening, dollmaking, block crayon drawing and coloring, knitting, crocheting, and memorizing fairytales. How much more fun could this get?!! Kindergarten is nothing more than an established routine, participation in chores, little or no tv & computers, plenty of outdoor time, singing and storytelling...I like it already!

More "formal" education like letters and numbers aren't started until first grade, and with Waldorf, it's done pictorially through art, so as I said, it's all very natural, very artsy, and well, I think life is an art, and it doesn't make sense to me to have my kids learn in any other way. WALDORF IS THE ONLY WAY, BRUUUHAAAHAAA, I sound like a cult, I'm laughing at myself. But in all seriousness, I believe we were created by an artist, created to learn, learning to create and a Waldorf education seems to provide that for us --"The heart of the Waldorf method is that education is an art – it must speak to the child’s experience. To educate the whole child, his heart and his will must be reached, as well as the mind.” Rudolf Steiner (1861-1925). Holistic learning...ahhhhh.

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Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up. ~Pablo Picasso

Man will begin to recover the moment he takes art as seriously as physics, chemistry or money. ~Ernst Levy

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and thanks to my great friend Sam, i have this incredible video to share

yesterday

erika — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 13:30:00 GMT

cristiana turned five years old. i have to say, this has been the most difficult milestone i've celebrated so far.

it seemed only yesterday i cradled that little colicky newborn baby in my arms, doing everything a new mom knows how to do to try to keep her baby content. i rarely succeeded. i was often either angry or depressed, wanting so desperately to care for my newborn but feeling terribly inadequate. i fumbled through motherhood...confused, tired, alone, or at least that's how i felt. but now, well, i have everything figured out.

<snicker>

you should know i'm lying. though i can at least say i feel like i know cristiana much better now. i once thought i had her personality pegged, but she has pleasantly surprised me. i assumed she was strong-willed & stubborn because i couldn't handle her, but i've come to realize she isn't really all that strong-willed, just determined and full of emotion, but she is willing to give in when she understands the reason for doing so. i admire her. she is inquisitive, and she isn't satisfied until she has an answer that makes sense to her, yet she is happy with simplicity. (when i don't know the answer to a question, my reply is always, "we'll have to go to the library or online and look it up." she'll come back to me a minute later with, "mommy, i think it's like that because jesus made it that way," and her mind is content with that acceptance.) she has compassion for everyone, without discrimination. she is more than willing to give up her toys and clothes to children in need. she thinks we should give people food and homes if they don't have any, and she thinks the best of others, naturally assuming everyone would do the same. she is shy when she first meets someone, yet she is quick to defend the helpless and to speak up when something isn't right. she is sensitive and thoughtful. she cries easily and is comforted just as easily, of course if you are willing to give her a hug and listen to her. she is the complete package of beauty and femininity. my first little girl has shown me so much about what it means to be a woman. how someone in such a tiny package could be packed with so much life is beyond me. i feel so undeserving of her, yet here i sit, typing away about this five year old i have been given to raise, to get to know, to enjoy life with.

it's been difficult this birthday because i have seen how quickly five years comes, and i know how quickly the next five will likely go. as parents cradling a fragile, helpless newborn, the time seems to pass so slowly as the only thing we can think of is when we'll get our next nap. i used to think, eighteen years, wow, we have so much time together. now i realize we do and we don't, and the don't is what's been hitting me this year. i suppose you could say, i just want yesterday, March 11, to be today, to be everyday.